the past month or so has been challenging...to say the least. this heavy weight, this dense cloud of worry and stress overwhelmed me...bogged me down...suffocatd me. and it only got worse as time snuck away from me. i didn't want to do this anymore. "it's not worth it", i said to myself. i cried a lot. and if i wasn't crying, i felt like crying. it hurt. i felt far away. and i was. far away from what i want to be. far away from who i want to become. far away from someone i want to be with. far away from the end. because the end is only the beginning of something else. and i'm tired. i was far away from God. and i hate it. i hate that space. that emptiness from day to day radiating through my core...spilling out of my eyes. i was so tired. i am so tired. i need your rest. (need can go through the green glass door ;)
he was there for me. always. even through his troubles, he was there. he's so wonderful to me and i am so thankful. but he's not everything i need, and i am not everything he needs. i need my Savior. we all need the Savior. SAVIOR. what does that word mean? he saved me? from what?
myself...
i was looking at myself. that's all could see. tired. weak. failure. anger. stress. annoyed. all that mattered was me. how selfish and ungrateful. i was lying to myself. and i believed it. i believed that my failures would be these undefeatalbe barriers in front of me. but yet they are only mountains. ones that i must climb. yes, i can choose to not go over them, but i will never know what lies beyond them. they will always loom in front of me, harassing me with their daunting peaks. but i must go on. though i am certain there is another valley on the other side of the mountain, the climb gives me strength. the mountain top gives me rest. and the Lord is always with me.
the climb is hard, especially near the top. but how can i give up now when i am so close to victory! i see it, i taste it, i feel it...i want it!
myself. that's what i kept looking at. but it clicked today. this is only a mountain, i am only a person. these mountains are my life. they are placed here by the Divine Hand of God. i heard the call to climb. the question is will i answer. will i take action. will i obey. God calls us to a challenge. he's not about living the easy life and kicking back and relaxing. he wants to build our strength. it's like working out, always do a little more than what you think you can handle. well, God gives us a little more than we think we can handle. but do you want to know a secret? God does not give us more than we can bear. he has prepared us already and he has marked out the path himself already.
so the question is...will i obey?
obeying God's call is my response to His ability. someone once told me that God does't call the equipped, he equips the called. so what is God's call on your life? what path has he gone through before you to prepare it for you? and are you willing to give up everything to obey God? he was...
I stand amazed in the presence
Of Jesus the Nazarene,
And wonder how He could love me,
A sinner, condemned, unclean.
Chorus:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
O how marvelous! O how wonderful!
Is my Savior’s love for me!
For me it was in the garden
He prayed: “Not My will, but Thine.”
He had no tears for His own griefs,
But sweat drops of blood for mine.
In pity angels beheld Him,
And came from the world of light
To comfort Him in the sorrows
He bore for my soul that night.
He took my sins and my sorrows,
He made them His very own;
He bore the burden to Calvary,
And suffered and died alone.
When with the ransomed in glory
His face I at last shall see,
’Twill be my joy through the ages
To sing of His love for me.
i hope that when or if you read this, it means something to you. i pour my heart out to you. no more facade (way cool word, in case you didn't know). this is me. i hurt. i cry. i am weak. but i want you to know me. i hope this blesses your life. or your day. or maybe just this moment.
i love you. i really do. | 